Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Ups and downs

One of the great things about this journey, is that we both seem to be experiencing the same thoughts and feelings, all at the same time as one another.

I've spent an hour in the car on the way home from work with nothing but my own thoughts for company. The last couple of weeks since the potential match was suggested, it's fair to say that every waking thought whilst not working, has been around the boys and the potential life that lies ahead. We've been on a bit of a rush really, we've felt quite emotionally attached already and we've focussed on the positives.

Since our visit yesterday, I've had some really mixed emotions. Driving home tonight, once again the enormity of the situation struck me, and I felt quite wobbly. Don't get me wrong, we absolutely know that adopting and having a family is for us, but that doesn't stop me feeling really quite scared and confused about the decisions that lie ahead of us. To date, the focus has been on getting through assessment and becoming a family. Suddenly though, we've been faced with the reality of two little people that need a loving home, and we've got to decide whether we are all right for each other. And the truth is, I don't know how we're supposed to know. I came home looking for a hug from G, and I was quite relieved to find that he's had the same up and down feelings as me today - we're definitely in synch!

In our visit yesterday, our social worker did a great (and much needed) job of grounding us a bit, making us face the reality of the potential problems of parenting two little guys that in reality, spent too long in a birth family that wasn't a positive experience for them. That's really made us sit back and think. The truth is of course, that no placement is uncomplicated. Social workers only remove children and place them for adoption as a very last option, every child that we would consider is going to be 'complicated.' The prep group definitely taught us that, but at prep group stage, it all still felt a long way off. Now it's not such a long way off, and now we've got to make a decision fairly shortly, that's going to change our lives for ever, and we've got to make sure we're doing right by these little guys who desperately need to ensure they don't go to a family that isn't able to give them what they need. Also, we have to make sure that it's right for us. I don't know how we're supposed to be 100% sure?

Our social worker said to us yesterday that we shouldn't feel pressured to take these boys and that we should feel free to keep our options open. But keep them open for what? It's tough because you're only given one match to consider at a time, so we don't know what our options are really. And of course every match is going to have its positives and its challenges. This one certainly feels right in many ways, but how do we truly know that?

Don't get me wrong, I am not for one minute suggesting that we're having second thoughts, but it's just been a day when we've thought about both sides of the coin (something that I think it's really important to do) and tonight it seems a bit scary that we have to make some decisions when in truth, there is no right or wrong answer.

It's quite huge this adoption lark isn't it!!

We are however, really looking forward to meeting the boy's foster carers and social worker next week, and our social worker has emailed us today with some suggestions of some questions we might want to ask, which is really helpful as I am sure we'll go to mush next week. We're hoping that we'll also see a video of the boys at play, and I think that next week will really help cement in our minds that we're doing the right thing.

I keep using the words enormous, and weird emotional and scary, but I think that's probably the reality of adoption. For us as well as the kids!


  1. We're going through the exact same dilemmas right now over a match. Glad it's not just us! Xx

  2. Thanks Matthew, always nice to know that we're not the only one's feeling confused! I hope all goes well for you with your potential match x

  3. I can only assume it must be a bit like getting married. Before you meet "that person" you wonder "How will I know?", but once you have met them it just feels right - they feel like the other half of you. I suspect you may have similar feelings.

    Loving reading your blogs - despite the fact they always make me cry! Good luck! xx