Growing an emotional brain

I talked in my last blog post, about the impact of neglect and abuse on brain development. I've just come across this short film from the NSPCC which explains perfectly what this is all about. All adoptive parents should be shown this film clip, it's really powerful!

Living with Attachment Disorder

The blog has been dormant for a very long time now, but for a while I’ve been trying to carve some time in to this busy crazy life, to make an update. I started this blog when we started our adoption journey – more than 5 years ago now I guess, and carried on religiously for the first year of the boys being part of our family, and I always found it really cathartic. The truth is, recently I’ve re discovered the positive impact of not keeping feelings bottled up, and so that cathartic release of the blog makes sense again now. So sit back, this could be a long one!

We are now nearly four years in to our ‘forever family’ – time has gone by so quickly, Joe is now in year five and Charlie in year three – as each day passes the boys become a little more independent and it’s shocking to reflect on how much has changed and how, in most senses, the time is flying past.

The boys are veritable bundles of energy. Blonde haired, blue eyed, olive skinned stunners, who are on the go from the second they wake up until we put them to bed at night (when fortunately for us, they normally fall to a slumber within minutes).

As I say, I started this blog as a diary of our adoption experience. It started on the day we first met with a social worker, continued on every bit of the pre placement journey, and then blogged every day, and then every week of our first few months as a family. I’ve never really know when to call it a day, but of course life becomes more routine, and as well as there not being enough time to keep this thing going with any kind of regularity, I also never intended to bore the readers with a diary of our daily lives. The side benefit of writing the blog, when I was doing so regularly, was that I found it incredibly cathartic; a great chance to reflect and work out my own feelings by hammering them out on the keyboard. Now that life is more routine, it’s not felt right to do that, but life is certainly anything but boring, and with a glass of wine and bit of time, I wanted to round up the last couple of years, so I’ll try and keep this as brief as I possibly can.

So, the essentials – the boys are doing really well. They are fit, healthy, robust and boisterous boys. Developmentally they have met all expected milestones and educationally, they are behind, but progressing all the time, and that’s the important bit for us.

They absolutely adore each other, and the sense of love between all four of us is very obvious – we were blessed with cuddle monsters – and I have never in my life felt so loved, or so in love.

Joe is a very typical 9 year old – he’s into climbing trees, taking risks, skateboarding, practising stunts on his BMX, and playing any sport that involves a ball or racket. He hasn’t yet found the sport that he wants to dedicate himself too (we’ve got several club kits gathering dust in the wardrobe!) but he’s one of those people that picks up a new sport quickly and can very naturally co-ordinate himself. He’s made amazing progress at school – this last school year in particular, moving from a couple of years behind where he should be, to pretty much at his chronological age for most areas. School isn’t always easy for him – he’s very impulsive and lacks a lot of self control when it comes to his emotions or excitement – not really understanding rules and when it’s not appropriate to be the joker, and he wants to be first in line at all he does, but fortunately he’s at a school that really understand him, his background and his own unique needs, and they work tirelessly hard to give him boundaries, coping mechanisms, praise and reward, and to help his peers understand him a little better, and this year in particular we’ve noticed that for the first times, he’s developed some good friendships where he’s a peer, rather than being tolerated within a group, and that’s had a great effect on him.

Amazingly, despite all the challenges he’s had to face with coping at school, he’s always loved going – he’s never got upset or bothered by school and in fact begs to go to ‘early club’ most mornings so he can play table tennis for an extra half an hour. In recent months in particular, G and I have really noticed how much Joe has become less noticeable in his peers, and I mean that in a positive sense, he’s not the odd one out any more, he’s funny, getting more confident, he’s caring and he’s got friends. Mostly he’s very happy, and a parent can’t really hope for much more than that.

He and his younger brother are incredibly close – thick as thieves, best of friends, and very much in love with one another (you’ll sometimes catch them as they are staring blankly at the TV screen, engrossed in whatever Spongebob is going on about, just casually saying to one another, ‘I love you’ -  ‘I love you too’). They are also antagonists and happy to land each other in trouble at any given opportunity as all good brothers should. Charlie is a very different character to his brother though – emotionally locked in a much younger world, far more in to activities and toys that would traditionally be classed as more girly, and much preferring the company of adults to other children. He’s less co-ordinated physically, and although he’s bright, can read and could probably do well at school if he could apply himself, he’s not yet ready to engage in the same way as his 7 year old peers, and thus life is a bit more of a struggle – more for those around him than for Charlie himself, who is blissfully unaware of the trail of destruction and frustration he leaves in his wake, as he merrily wonders around in his own little happy world, singing and dancing to himself.

Attachment

In adoption circles, the term ‘Attachment’ is widely used. I remember a long session about Attachment in the adoption prep group that we did before being assessed as potential adopters, but to be honest, it was so abstract then, it didn’t really mean much to me. And then when the boys came in to our world, it was more often than not, associated with the bonding process, and I pretty much forgot everything I had learned about attachment, focusing on bonding and thinking they were one and the same thing. Because the four of us bonded so incredibly quickly, and because the boys settled in to our care and trusted us so soon, I kind of thought we had nailed it.

Last year, we were fortunate enough to be funded through a five day course on ‘Attachment Focussed Parenting’ known as ‘Safe Base’ run by a charity called ‘After Adoption.’ The course was funding by the Timpson Family (from the well known shoe repair chain) and our local authority and was all about parenting adopted children – children who have all experienced trauma in their early years.

We re learnt what attachment was all about, and it was incredibly powerful. I’m no medical professional, but in the simple terms as I understand it, our brains are only about 50% formed when we’re born, and the rest of our brain function is established in the first year or so of our lives. In particular, the pre frontal cortex part of the brain, develops most significantly in the first 6 months of our lives. This is the bit of the brain that’s responsible, amongst other things, for our ability to self regulate our moods and emotions, to understand cause and effect (consequences), and provides us with the skills to calm ourselves (self soothe). So a new born baby for example, experiences discomfort, he doesn’t know for himself, what that discomfort is yet, but he cries. His parent comes, removes the discomfort (changes a dirty nappy, winds him or feeds him), cuddles him and he learns that the world is okay, he feels soothed. In the first few months of his life, he eventually learns to self soothe – so when he loses his dummy for example, he sticks a thumb in his mouth and can calm himself.

This ‘arousal-relaxation’ process not only teaches him in his physical actions, it also forms synapses in the brain – neural pathways, which develop that part of the brain for the rest of his life.

Our little boys had a very erratic start to their first few years on this planet – care was intermittent – if at all, nappies were sometimes not changed for 24 hours, no one responded when they cried, food was not always available and cuddles were sometimes given, and sometimes not. As a result that whole neural process did not happen in the same way that it did for most children.

Additionally in the toddler years, children go through fairly similar development steps, supported by attentive caring parents, that they look to for reassurance, and when they receive that reassurance, it enables them to build trust and to take further risks. Think about your toddler learning to walk for example, they fall over and they look at mum or dad to sense a reaction  - to see if they should cry or not. Mum or Dad reassure them that life is still good, and the toddler continues to explore the world around them. Each time that happens, its ticking metaphorical boxes, building trust and security, allowing risks to be taken, and teaching the child that the world is relatively safe, and adults are good and most importantly, consistently there for them.

Our boys, and Charlie in particular, didn’t get that at the same measure and frequency that most kids do. The result is neural gaps – like a brick wall that’s been built with gaps in each layer of bricks, causing the wall to not be quite as stable as it should.

This is what attachment disorder is all about. And it’s not something that they can just overcome. It’s there, it’s permanent and it’s going no where. What they have to learn now, is ways around those neurological pathways that were never formed – they learn coping mechanisms and alternative ways of dealing with the life. But it’s always more of an effort for them than for you and me. A bit like learning to speak French – in a relatively short amount of time, most of us could learn the language fluently, but we’ll always speak it with an accent.

And so it is for Joe and Charlie – and for most adopted children – there’s this extra dimension to them, which makes life just that little bit more challenging for them – and for us. And whilst I wouldn’t change our life for anything, we love and adore our little boys more than anything we could ever have imagined possible, life is certainly not easy – in fact it’s chuffin’ hard – and at times, we both really struggle with that.

It’s hard to describe the impact, every parent thinks their kids (boys especially) to be boisterous, but I think with our two, it’s like boisterous on steroids. And hardest of all, with Charlie in particular, is that he has absolutely no sense of consequence. There is no threat, or punishment or consequence that really bothers him, and underneath it all, we’ve still got a lot of work to do to prove to him, that we won’t let him down.

This manifests itself in a number of different ways. A lot of the behaviour Charlie exhibits are similar to ADHD. So a complete lack of concentration, inability to focus, lack of danger awareness, unwillingness to co-operate, speaking consistently at a very high volume, always being on the go and an inability to follow instructions. We also have soiling issues, a deep sense of self doubt and constantly putting himself down (he will always refer to his work as being ‘rubbish’ and he’ll refuse to do most work/reading because of a sense that it won’t be good enough) and frequent angry, quite controlling outbursts. Charlie likes to be in control, he prefers the company of adults, every interaction is a negotiation, and he hasn’t really established any consistent peer relationships.

I know lots of parents reading this, will identify elements of all of the above in their own kids, but I know we aren’t imagining how extreme Charlie’s actions are, because the school have employed a full time 121 support worker just to try and keep him in school. He rarely completes a full lesson in school with his peers, he has a team of adults around him to manage his behaviour, and they struggle. In a strange way, this is reassuring to G and I, because for a while we feared that this was all in our imagination!

Now don’t get me wrong, it really isn’t all bad! Charlie is amazingly empathetic, so very helpful and kind, and whilst we get frequent (daily) reports from school of issues in his behaviour, it’s never been about being unkind. The reality is, he’s doing amazingly well, most kids from his background would lack all sorts of social skills, interpersonal skills and empathy. Fortunately, what Charlie lacks in his ability to do what’s expected of him, he more than makes up for in the love and cuddles that he shows us every day. We love him unconditionally, and wouldn’t change our life for the world, but it’s exhausting and frustrating, and because of the way he his, we don’t get much let up – we can’t sign him up for after school clubs or cubs because they can’t cope with him, he was banned from kids club and the swimming pool on holiday, because the staff couldn’t understand why he didn’t follow the simple rules, his swimming instructors have all slowly and politely asked us to find alternative teachers, and because of the lack of peer friendships, there are no sleep overs or playdates. So it’ just us. 24X7.

Being proud people, we probably stopped talking about this too much, we wanted to cope the same as every other parent copes. But the truth is, by Summer this year, we both had a bit of a breakdown, and finally admitted to each other that we were finding this really hard. We had got ourselves into a bit of downward spiral, where we so focussed on the negative, and always expecting the worst, that in fact we had both just become angry parents, we were shouting at the kids a lot and always dealing out the next consequence. We had no capacity left, and of course the reality was, that’s only made the situation worse. For me, this came to a head on holiday, when one night, after I completely, and disproportionally lost control of my temper, I just broke down, with a sense of how futile our situation felt.

A bit like attending an AA meeting (so I’m told!) we realised that our little breakdown over the summer, was actually the turning point we needed. We needed to ask for help. And we’ve been lucky enough to get that in a few forms.

Firstly we have the boys at the most amazing school, that really get the issue, that really love Joe and Charlie and that do more than we could have ever hoped for to ensure they both get the very best opportunities. Joe is now pretty much in full mainstream education at school, but Charlie is getting lots of support, and we’re now part way through the process of having more in-depth developmental and psychological assessments.

He’s also receiving art therapy  - which has been really interesting and which I’ll blog about separately in more detail at some point.

Perhaps the best support we’ve had though, is that G and I have been referred to a DDP Family Therapist. This is someone that specialises in families with Attachment challenges. G and I see her most weeks, and whilst it’s not an overnight fix, what it has done, is given us both space to explore our feelings and to debrief on Charlie’s weekly activities, and really start to stand back and think about what’s going on in that little body of his.

It’s slowly enabling us to move on from our anger and frustration, to start reconnecting with why he acts like he does. It’s helped me to rediscover my empathy and to think about what his behaviour is telling us. It’s reminding us that the behaviour is an outward expression of an underlying cause, and instead of dealing with the behaviour (the symptom), we need to fix the underlying cause. And what’s become clear, is there’s still a lot of hurt and insecurity in that little guy.

So for example, on our first session I talked about my frustration in the fact that even the most basic rules, the ones we repeat daily, are still broken daily. G often describes it as a sense of ‘groundhog day’ with him, where you just feel like you’re making no progress. Sarah, our DDP therapist, talked to us about ‘connect before correct’ that is to say, that there’s no point correcting his behaviour until you’ve really connected with him in the moment. Because in his aroused state – his brain chemicals are in self preservation mode (like fight or flight) so there’s no capacity to listen to the parental lecture that’s about to happen.  So, later that same day the four of us were home. I was upstairs, Joe was in the dining room doing his homework, Charlie was playing in his room and G shouted up that he was just nipping out to the corner shop for some bread. I heard G leave, I then heard Charlie run downstairs and open the front door. Charlie has no sense of danger, so we have strict rules around not opening the front door. The previous day I would have marched downstairs and given him a dressing down for opening the front door when he knows the family rule about that. But armed with the DDP session we had just come from, instead I went down, knelt down next to Charlie and hugged him, and I whispered in his ear ‘Oh Charlie, my job is to keep you safe, and I want to do that more than anything in the world. That’s why we don’t want you to open the front door when daddy and papa aren’t here, just in case it’s a stranger on the other side of the door.’ Instead of the stand off that I would normally have expected in this situation, Charlie burst into tears and said, “I don’t know where Papa’s gone. Will he ever come home?”

So there it was right there, the underlying insecurity in Charlie. Despite everything, Charlie knows that adults aren’t actually all that reliable. Sometimes the people he’s loved the most (birth parents, foster carers) have let him down, they’ve not been there, and who’s to say that no matter how good life might be on the surface right now, G and I won’t prove ourselves to be just as unreliable as the last adults that he had learned to love. Charlie is still a little boy with a lot of hurt inside.

And of course, had I been cross, I would never have heard that.

So, whilst we’re still in this crazy life, we’ve now started to understand him so much more. And just admitting that Charlie has special needs, has helped us to start to unpick both his behaviours and our own. And that feels so much more positive than it all felt four months ago.

So why am I telling you this. It’s certainly not for sympathy, and it’s not a cry for help. But it’s good to talk about the fact that for all our families, we find some things tough and we sometimes need to ask for a bit of help.

And it’s important not to get caught up in competitive middle class parenting. It’s important not to judge. Don’t scowl at that parent that can’t control their kid in soft play, or the child having a tantrum in the supermarket, or the shouty parent that’s having an inappropriate meltdown. Because not all ‘special needs’ come with a visible marker. Lots of children, and parents too for that matter, are battling issues that can’t always be seen. 

And yes, it’s hard being the parent with the kid that gets kicked out of swimming lessons or after school clubs. I might smile and offer the teacher my caring reassurance that I understand why they can’t teach them anymore, because of course ‘it’s not fair on the other children’. But inside, my heart is breaking, that my gorgeous, lovely caring, spirited little boy, can’t quite cope like his peers. And it’s not his fault.

What a difference a couple of weeks back at school makes!

My last blog update felt quite negative, we had a fairly trying couple of weeks and I think that we were both really exhausted by it. The next couple of weeks however, couldn't have felt more different. Almost instantly when the boys when back to school, things lifted. The boys clearly thrive on routine, and as soon as we were all back in to the normal swing of things, everything seemed to settle again.

Joe has gone in to year three and Charlie in to year one, and we've made quite a fuss of the fact that they are getting older. Having always treated the boys very much the same, we've now told Joe that as a Junior, he can now stay up later for a bit of 'adult time.' That small change has really changed the dynamics of the evening routine, for the better. After bath time, Joe now comes downstairs for half an hour. That means that we read to Charlie on his own, he loves that 121 time and it's meant we've introduced him reading to us as well as us reading to him. Meanwhile, Joe loves the grown up time he gets without his brother, and sits and watches a bit of grown up time with me or G. It's made bedtime a lot calmer and more enjoyable for all four of us.

We've made more effort to have family play time, and the boys love the times we all sit around the table playing cards together. I try to lessen my naturally competitive nature, not always successfully!

We had a contact session with the boy's older sisters last weekend. We met up with them at a soft play centre and had a lovely few hours. The four children play so well together and we love catching up with their respective foster carers. The good news is both girl's foster carers have applied to permanently foster them, meaning they will have a home until they are 18, and we are absolutely delighted about that. The girls are lovely and clearly adore their younger brothers. Knowing they are settled is a great weight off our minds, I am sure time will come when the boys will want to know why we didn't adopt the girls too, at least knowing that they are in a loving home will be easier to explain to the boys why they couldn't all stay together.  It was interesting this time hearing their change in language, there was a time where they didn't want to accept us as the boys parents, but separately they both referred to 'your son' when talking to us about Charlie. We always feel a bit apprehensive about how contact sessions will run, but the boys always seem to take this in their stride.

The boys have settled in to their new classes with ease too, all the things they tell us will be flash points for adopted children, but the boys just seem to lap it all up. For Joe in particular there's been a big change in his confidence with reading and writing. It looks like he'll soon be caught up with his year group. He's back at football and also starting Rugby. Charlie is getting additional support and this is helping him to focus. He's also started to read some simple words and we're working on this. G in particular has so much patience with teaching the children. I've got more involved with the PTA, I feel that we've had so much from the school we owe it to them to give back in a small way.

Last week we had a couple come to visit, who are contemplating adopting a sibling group. Social services had asked if we would meet with them. It's an odd thing really, inviting complete strangers in to your home and then talking about the most personal of subjects. But we love it! It's a funny thing with adoption, but meeting other people in your own shoes is very quickly bonding, and it's always lovely to be able to talk to people that really understand the special gift and process that adoption is. Tomorrow I'm off to speak at an adoption prep course, about our experiences as adopters, and again, I'm so excited about doing so - I feel like a real advocate for adoption and I love talking to people at the start of their own journeys.

So, apologies for the moaning of the last update, but pleased to report that things feel like they are back on track!

The summer months

It's been a largely positive few months since I last posted. The boys had a good final month of school, Joe made some great progress with reading - still behind most of his peers but we learnt that in the school year he's progressed from reading at age 5 level, to age 6y10m - only two months behind his actual age. The school also implemented a 'circle of friends' for him, which was a chance for the other children to help him to understand how they sometimes feel when he acts over zealously, which he has a tendency to do. Charlie too made some progress at school, with the teachers noticing a few weeks where he was a bit calmer and more focussed in the classroom. He still has 121 support however, so we still have a long way to go.

The last few weeks of term were gloriously hot, and we made the most of trips out to the beach and the park after school.

I write this blog almost at the end of the school six week holiday. It's been a mixed set of emotions this last few weeks. In many ways, I am so pleased that I really feel we've given the boys an outstanding holiday. We started off with a weekend camping with friends and cousins, which was superb. I love the innocence of camping for the boys - no computers, no DS's just lots of out door fun. We camped with two other families from Charlie's class who are also adopted families, as well as my sister and her family.

We also had friends to stay over, G took the boys on day trips and we spent a fantastic week in Spain. Before the kids arrived, it's fair to say that G and I mapped our year around our holiday plans, with both of us working and no kids, we were fortunate to have some special holidays in far away places. Indeed, when we were debating whether or not to adopt, one of the things on our 'cons' list was the loss of our holidays! When we knew we wanted kids, we resolved that having them didn't mean that we had to go to soulless large results with noisy kids clubs, and that we could teach the boys about the culture of other countries. Oh how I now laugh at our naivety! The reality of two very active young boys found us at an all inclusive, Kids Club centred holiday resort in Spain! And it was perfect, the boys were so well entertained and loved having lots of other children to play with, we were soon forgetting our boutique holiday pasts, and embracing the evening entertainment and pool side activities! Charlie in particular revelled in the independence he discovered in an all inclusive resort.

The week after Spain and the boys went off to a holiday club each day for a week. Charlie got a yellow card warning on day one, but he did manage to survive the week with some additional focus and support.

We then spent a weekend in my home town, introducing the boys to some of my oldest friends, before heading off to Wales for a few days of fun. It's from Wales that I am writing this blog, we head home tomorrow and have a final camping trip this weekend before they go back to school next week.

The boys are going back to school having had a lot of fun, and gaining crazily good sun tans and blonde hair along the way!

So why a mixed bag? Well despite feeling like we've had lots of family fun, G and I are also on our knees. We both feel like our youngest, Charlie, has become even harder to manage in the last couple of months. Don't get me wrong, I know others have it much harder than we do (I watched a mother be punched and kicked by her autistic son when we were in Spain, and it moved me to tears!) but for us right now, it seems like really hard work.

Charlie has alway been hard to get to focus, but 18 months in I think we both thought things would be getting easier. But it seems as we give him more and more confidence (and he has that in spades!) he also gets harder and harder to control. We try everything that all the books suggest, rewards and recognition, warnings, time out, consequences etc, but nothing at all bothers him. He is so caught up in a very non-stop active world, it's as if he cannot hear anything that we say. He knows all the rules, because he's very quick to tell other children off, but he is completely incapable of understanding or following our instructions. I can literally be stood in front of him, at eye level, saying 'Charlie, Stop' five or six times, and he just carries on. It's very hard to know how to handle a child for whom consequences have no effect whatsoever. Joe is no angel either and they sometimes work each other up to a frenzy, and it seems impossible to break it.

We've both become really shouty, and we often feel like the only parents that are constantly shouting out their kid's names wherever we go. It makes days out really hard work. Today we were walking through the high street and in the end had to resort to only one of us going in to a shop to look around at any one time, because Charlie could not follow the most simple instruction to not touch. Now I know all kids want to touch, but when you are saying it for the fourth or fifth time in less than 30 seconds, having already taken him out of the shop once to talk to him about it, and still he can' resist picking things up just two or three seconds after you've said not too, it becomes incredibly frustrating.

That example probably sounds really petty, but when that's the 15th time you've had that sort of scenario in a 30 minute period, it's mentally and physically exhausting.

There's no malice in Charlie, quite the opposite, he's endearing, caring and cute, but at the moment, it doesn't feel like trips out are much fun for G and I, I think we feel sometimes that we are on an endurance test. It is really hard, when you plan things that you really think will be a fun family activity, and you end up feeling exhausted with the level of control that you have to sometimes enforce.

We're hopeful it's a phase that will pass. But we have had a referral to the Child Development Centre and he's currently being assessed for ADHD. I dismissed ADHD before I had children as an excuse for not disciplining children, but now I can eat some humble pie as I understand a bit more about how hard being a parent can sometimes be.

Fortunately however, we also get some great moments with the kids, which make everything else worthwhile (like today for example, when we took them crabbing and caught over 100 crabs - the boys were so excited I thought they would explode!) and of course, would we change anything? Not at all - we love the boys unconditionally. Indeed I'm already feeling guilty for writing this blog quite negatively, it's probably not helped by my tiredness and the fact I've just had a big melt down with Charlie at bedtime, which has left me feeling somewhat exasperated!  On balance, we've had a wonderful summer, and I know the boys have loved many of the experiences that they've had - and we without fail, each and every day, we get kisses, cuddles, giggles and special moments. We just need to have a few less moments of tension too!

In other news, we wrote our obligatory annual letter to birth mother in May. Part of our adoption order requires us to write to her once a year with an update on the boys, and she is supposed to write to us too. The letters go via social services, so there's no actual sharing of contact details. We heard today that she's never been in to read our letter and she has chosen not to write to us. No huge surprise but at least we've done our bit!

April & May 2013

Well life sure is busy these days, explaining the fact that this is longest period I've had without updating the blog.

Overall, the last couple of months have been good for both boys, we are well and truly in 'normal family life' mode and the kids continue to develop well.

We started April with a contact session with the boys older birth sisters. This was the second time we've met up with them since the boys joined our family, and as always they took it completely in their stride. It's lovely to see them together, we met at a soft play centre so they had plenty to do, and the boys were delighted to see the girls, but equally weren't phased at saying good bye. We will see them again in the Summer holidays. The girls both seemed much more settled since the last time we saw them, and it sounds like their current foster placements could become permanent, which would be amazing for them.

We've had busy weekends, bbq's with the family, playtime with friends, trips to the park etc. The boys enjoyed their Easter school holidays and we took them up to London for a couple of days too. They loved the train journey and their first stay in a hotel. We did all the big sights, we went on the London Eye and, with Joe having done a term on the Great Fire of London at school, we also climbed the 300+ steps to the top of the Monument. One step out on to the balcony at the top and Charlie declared that he was desperate for a wee, so down we marched again - deep joy! I love doing family experiences like this with the boys, I find myself looking at them and thinking how little of these experiences they would have had if they hadn't been rescued from their previous family.

In May half term we did a big first, taking the boys to Spain! This was a whole week of having those thoughts about how great it is to give them these sort of life experiences. The boys loved every minute of being in Spain. We had Grandma and Grandad with us too, and it was great for us to have a holiday - I wasn't sure we would have relaxing holidays again, but I actually managed to finish a book, which was great! Sadly Joe was poorly during the holiday with an ear infection, which resulted in us visiting a Spanish hospital to get antibiotics. He's a very strong little man, he didn't cry or complain once, even though he had an ear and sinus infection which really had taken hold. It didn't ruin his holiday however, and not only did he complete his first unaided length of the swimming pool, by the end of the week he was surface diving to pick up things from the bottom of the pool.

The boys revelled in the new experiences of being abroad, happily greeting everyone they met with a 'Ola' and trying new foods, and of course playing on the beach.

Joe really seems to have matured and settled over the last couple of months, he's really good fun to be with and at home is really well behaved. He loves school and we have no problems getting him to go in each day. He can still play the fool a bit with this friends, I think he's still keen to please others and will be very easily led, but the school manage him amazingly well. He's not at the top of the class academically, but he's starting to believe in himself a bit more, and is less self-depreciating than he was. His reading and writing is behind, but I can see a difference in him, I think it's starting to make more sense.

I think he's well liked too, he seems to know the names of kids from every year group, and the teachers all seem very fond of him, but he's not made any deep friendships yet, and he's not been invited for play  dates or to any birthday parties this year, which I think he's starting to become aware of. It breaks our heart to see other kids coming out of class clutching invites, with him asking if there's one for him in his book bag. I think it's the hard thing for him having joined a very established class group - everyone has gone out of their way to welcome him and us, and we couldn't have asked for more, but I think he's missed out some of the early friendship forming that went on. But without us having said anything, the school have also picked up on this, and have instigated a 'circle of friends' group for him, which is fantastic. His class also blends with the other year 2 group next term, and I think that will probably be a really good thing for him, as it might put him on more of a level playing field. I think he still lacks some of the maturity of his peers, and can sometimes be a bit much for them to handle, but he's settling down and getting better and better all the time, and as I say, certainly with us now he's a very well behaved little guy, so I'm hopeful that this is just going to get better and better for him.

Charlie is best described as a handful! He's a character and very loving and loveable but he still has the curiosity of a child much younger than his years. He's not a malicious child, quite the opposite, and he's often very funny, but it's like he sets his mind on what he wants to do, what button he wants to press or where he wants to wander off too, and that's it, his mind his set, to the exclusion of listening to G or I telling him 'no.' It can be really frustrating! Again, the school have been amazing with him, somehow securing him 121 support in order to help manage him, and slowly we've started to see him settle, he's managing to do a bit of work at school now, which is a new thing.

With Joe, we can very much manage behaviour with consequences, (i.e. loss of Wii time for example) but with Charlie there is not a consequence we have yet found that bothers him. However he thrives on reward and is so proud if he achieves a sticker or a good work reward from the Head Teacher. He seems popular and certainly every year six girl seems to know him and go out of their way to play with him - I think he has celebrity status at school! But he's actually not that fussed about playing with others yet, and we find that Joe actually plays better with Charlie's friends when we have them back after school.

So it's now June and the reason I've finally found time to update this blog, is that sadly I'm sat next to Joe's hospital bed whilst he's fast asleep. The ear infection he had whilst he was in Spain had clearly not gone away, but he never once complained or changed his behaviour, so we had no idea, until Monday night when he went very docile and complained of a sore ear. We noticed it was inflamed so we resolved to take him to the GP Tuesday morning, expecting another round of antibiotics. We were a bit shocked when they sent him straight to A&E and he was admitted for an infection of the middle ear that had spread to the mastoid bone. Potentially a very serious condition, because of the proximity of the infection to the brain, but fortunately found in time for it to be controlled with very strong IV antibiotics.

So I am about to spend my second night on a camp bed at the side of his hospital bed. It's the first time we've had to deal with the boys being properly poorly, and it's a real reminder of just how much the boys mean to us. It has been awful watching him in hospital, I think far worse for us than he's actually found it. I now understand what other parents mean when they say how much they would do anything to trade places with their son or daughter. Joe has actually loved the experience, in his true stoic style he has yet to cry or whinge about it, in fact he was delighted earlier when I told him we would be here for another  night, he's so excited about having his own TV next to his bed and to have me stay with him for sleep overs! I on the other hand have welled up on more than one occasion! Charlie too is missing his partner in crime, he was very reluctant to leave G at the school gates this morning and was very keen to come and see his big brother as soon as school was over.

We've plenty more to look forward to in the coming months, school summer holidays in particular are lining up to be great fun for the kids.

And this Sunday is Father's day, a double celebration in our household! I love life with our kids, it's tiring, frustrating, exhausting and I sometimes find myself completely at the end of my tether. But my God, I wouldn't change it for the world!

March 2013

March has largely been an uneventful month, the boys continue to make good progress and occasionally we reflect and realise that, even though we might sometimes feel like we're banging our heads against brick walls, we are actually able to do things now that we could not have done a few months ago, which is a reminder that we are indeed making steady progress.

One of the big changes is the fact that they will happily go off and play now. Their imaginative play was non existent 12 months ago, whereas now they make up all kinds of wonderful games and scenarios, and they will sometimes play just with each other for up to a couple of hours, with us only needing to break up squabbles every 15 minutes! That's a big change however as to start with they were completely dependent on us to be involved in all play activity. It does really help when you can send them off to play for a while and we can sit down and drink a coffee and read the news.

The month started with a visit from my sister and her family for the weekend. The boys love their cousins, and indeed 12 year old Jessica is revered as a demi god by Joe because of her near teenager status! It was also nice to cook a proper meal for the grown ups. Pre kids I would happily spend a day in the kitchen on a Saturday if we were having friends for dinner. Up until now I've felt pushed to order pizza's for guests, but I think I am getting back into the flow now, even though a day of cooking is now a distant dream!

The second weekend of March was my birthday. It also marked the 12 month anniversary of the day we started introductions. Last year's birthday didn't really exist and of course, meeting the boys was such a nerve wracking and emotional day. This year however, was really special, the boys were more excited than I was, they opened all my cards and presents for me, I had balloons and banners and it was a really lovely family moment. It was funny to reflect on how much had changed for them and for us in that 12 month period.

We spent the day with great friends, and then managed a babysitter in the evening to get out and have more fun with grown up friends. It felt like a very special birthday for very different reasons.

G and I have decided that once a month we are going to give each other a day off. A day where one of us will take complete responsibility for child care and the other can have a guilt free day to do what he pleases. G spends all week with his days focussed around what he can squeeze in between school runs, and whilst I get to go out and work all day during the week, that's not exactly time off either, so we've agreed that it would be healthy to have 'me' time once a month.

I had my first Saturday off, and I spent the whole day in town. I hadn't been shopping in a year, or at least certainly not the type of shopping that involves browsing, trying things on, stopping for coffee and eating a lunch with a newspaper to read. So I really savoured my 7 hours in town on my own! I also spent an hour of that in a travel agent, remortgaging the house in order to go away for a week in the school summer holidays. Geez, no one told me how much they inflate prices when you have to book around term times!

The following weekend, G had the Saturday off and whilst he enjoyed a day out with friends, I actually also really enjoyed a day on my own with the boys. We didn't do a huge amount, we bought new shoes for Joe, we went out for lunch, we made bread and baked a cake and went to the park. Okay, perhaps that was a lot, but it was nice, and made me think that the 'day off' principal could work well on both dates.

The next day was G's birthday and he also got spoilt by the kids. We had a big family lunch out with G's clan and the boys loved having everyone there. They are so very relaxed with our large family and all our friends. I often think how different life is for them now, and how well they take that in their stride.

We had a call from school this week to say that twice Joe has responded to a problem in the playground, by throwing a stone at the person that wasn't letting him play. We had a long chat with him about how we needs to handle these situations, and why throwing stones or lashing out is never a good idea. It was a reminder that for the first three and a half years of his life with his birth family, and then the next year with his sisters in foster care, really the only reactions he ever saw were violence. This ingrained response is going to take some work and modelling from us, and it's not going to happen overnight.

The last weekend of the month was Easter weekend. We spent Good Friday with G's mum and her friend visiting a fantastic park-farm for the day which the boys really loved. On Saturday we were up early to drive up to my parents for the weekend. Mum is great with the kids, she plays with them in the same way I remember her playing with me as a child, and I love to watch it. She also knows how to keep them entertained and out of mischief. Charlie really took to my dad this weekend too, following him around happily and taking in his jokes and magic tricks. It feels like we get a break when mum and dad are around, indeed we even fitted in a couple of hours out on our own, and that's great. On Easter Sunday we went to my uncle and aunts house as the boys had never met them. My cousins were all there.

We had been a bit apprehensive to be honest, only in as much as Charlie in particular can be a nightmare in new surroundings as he is truly the most inquisitive child I have ever met. When they are meeting someone for the first time, you really want them to behave and sometimes that can become a bit of a pressure cooker of our own anxiety and expectations, and thus we don't always end up enjoying ourselves. But actually we had a wonderful day, the boys were spoilt and well entertained and whilst being inquisitive, they behaved in a way that I was really very proud of.

The end of a long journey

I write this blog, sat in front of an open fire in our villa at Centre Parcs. It's the last night of our celebration weekend. We're celebrating that we are finally, officially, a forever family.

It's been a month or so since I updated the blog, it's the longest I've left it since the boys arrived, and in truth it probably just reflects the fact that life has become quite normal. We've been busy of course, as we always are - the boys take care of that. It's been the usual mix of school runs, children's parties, trips to the park and family time at home. As each week goes by, the boys grow and settle. Of course they continue to keep us on our toes and life continues to be less restful than it was a year ago, but that is more than made up for by the fact that the boys draw us in further and further as each day passes.

I had my first few nights away from home, working away for a few days in January. Being away from home has never bothered me before, but this time, I really resented it, really missing every night that I didn't see them. I caught up with them on Skype each evening and the boys were quite un phased by my absence which is surely a great sign.

On the 14th January, the Judge finally signed the court order, making the boys officially part of our family. Especially poignant as the 14th January would have been G's dad's birthday, we felt his presence was strong on that day! And in a run of significant dates, our celebration court hearing was set for the 14th February, a great day to celebrate love.  The day before the hearing we popped in to school, to chat to their respective classes about our forever family celebration day. The boys were so excited about seeing the judge, we thought it was important to involve the school too, so that everything felt joined up. I was a bit nervous addressing a class of 30 kids, twice! We did Joe's class first. Joe hates being centre of attention and sat on my lap closely cuddled in feeling shy. Charlie on the other hand was front and centre, bossing the other kids about, loving being the star attraction!

On the day itself, 20 plus of our closest friends and family gathered at court, for a brief and informal presentation with the judge. The boys got to sit in the judges chair, wear her wig and bang the gavel. The lack of formality was great, and even the court usher had a tear in her eye. We were joined by Jane and Davinia, the boy's social worker and our social worker respectively. We gave them cards and small gifts, and I found myself feeling very emotional saying good bye to them both. Other people we've spoken to have found great joy in getting to the point where they no longer have social workers in their lives, but I will genuinely miss ours, they have both become friends, and I'll really miss seeing them.

We have been through some of the most intensely emotional and personally significant days of our lives with Jane and Davinia, times we haven't even had our families with us. Davinia found the boys for us, and held our hands through those first meetings with foster carers, record readings and of course, adoption panel. Jane was with us the first time we ever met our boys, it was her careful thought and guidance that made our introductions so successful, and she was there that morning we went to collect the boys to finally bring them home. She was like a wisened sage those early weeks and months, giving us advice, support and reassurance. And I'll miss them, they both have had an important part to play in our lives and those of our family. I have felt that we've been truly lucky throughout the whole of our adoption journey. We've read such horror stories from other adopters who have been apparently at odds with their workers throughout, and in many cases that appears to have made their adoption experiences so negative. Ours could not have been further from that, our journey has been as straight forward as we could have hoped for, and I will always be thankful to our social workers for that.

Following the celebration hearing, we all came back home for a day of partying. We were touched by the cards and gifts but most importantly we had our nearest and dearest present to share with us, the joy of the official nature of our family. In truth, it feels no different, we have both felt very clearly from the first day the boys came home that they were our children, it's never like a trial period in any way. However now they have our surname and we have new birth certificates. The greatest bonus of that is that we can now apply for passports and take them on a proper holiday!

And this weekend, we've spent four days doing what we did with the boys for their first holiday last summer, at Centre Parcs, having family fun together. It's been interesting to reflect on what's changed since we were here last summer. Predominantly, I think we're dealing with things better. I remember a few weeks after Joe started his new school last year, he was invited with G and Charlie, to go on play date. I was chatting to the playdates mum afterwards and she said that she thought that we probably both needed to chill out a bit. We knew she was right, but at that point, everything felt like a battle. The reality was, and I guess this is the challenge of adopting older children, is that we were suddenly in a new world surrounded by parents of children the same age as ours. Those parents had 5 or 6 years experience of being a parent. We had two or three months. Show me the parent of a first child at two or three months, and tell me that they aren't a little on edge, a little hypervigilant, panicky, over analytical. Well we had that same inexperienced tension, but we were surrounded by people for whom this was now all normal and natural, and we felt a bit like we were still playing at being parents. We were inexperienced, in a group where they had all long since forgotten what it was like to be new parents. And we weren't experienced in managing the day to day stuff either. A silly example that bought that home to me today, was when we were getting the boys changed from swimming. I remember last summer when we were here, we had a bit of a breakdown in the changing cubicle, getting all four of us washed, dried and dressed, in the small confined space of a family changing cubicle. It was a horrid experience. But this week we've done it every day with relative ease. The difference being the experience of knowing how to structure the packing of the lockers and the bags, the timing of which one of gets ready first, and how we get the kids ready, in order to avoid the battles with the kids. We don't always get it right, and I for one, know that I can sometimes be far too stressy with the boys, but we do all know each other so much better now, and know ourselves better now too, and that all helps in making day to day life a little bit easier!


I started this blog a couple of years ago now, really just as a way of updating friends and family on our progress as we went through the various courses and assessments. I was a bit shocked at the result. Nearly 35,000 visitors, messages from friends if I miss an update, concerned that something's wrong, and messages from strangers, telling me that they've found the blog useful as they go through their own adoption thoughts and processes. I guess I feel that 'Our Journey Through Adoption' has reached an end, we've been through every step and every process and now, it's a journey through family life. (We have been asked once by a social worker if we are thinking of a third, and they were given a resounding no!!).

So, thanks for following our journey this far. G and I have been genuinely blown away by the support we've received along the way. Sometimes from sources that we wouldn't have predicted. People have been touched by the journey of the boys, from their troubled backgrounds, to the point that they are today, two beautiful, loving and loved boys with so much to offer. We've had advice, encouragement and love from so many friends and family, and we really couldn't have done it without you.

And to those of you reading the blog as people contemplating adoption. Please be assured that in our experience, it doesn't have to be as bad as the all the bad press adoption is given, and social workers sometimes make you believe. We've worked with positive and professional, efficient social workers, we've been matched with very normal little boys, and to the outside world, we are family that looks like we've always been together.

I read recently that if just 2% of same sex couples were to adopt, there would be no children waiting for homes in the UK. Adoption truly is the greatest gift. There are thousand's of children in the UK today, waiting for homes. Waiting for love, guidance, encouragement and support. And without it, they face a bleak future. If you're a home that have a bit of love (and a lot of patience!) to spare, consider this amazing gift.

I have never been more proud of anything in my whole life, as I have been when I tell people I'm a dad.

I love you boys, and I love our amazing, unique and happy, forever family.

A great result at court!

Just a short post to say that we heard today that things went our way at court. Birth mother's request to appeal was rejected by the judge, and the adoption order will be granted on Monday. That's the legal process that makes the boys ours forever!

The ceremonial part is the celebration court hearing which has been set for the 14th February. We met our boys on my birthday, and our forever family day will be the greatest festival of love. Seems appropriate.

The pressure of this has been underlying for a couple of months, and I felt a great sense of relief when the social worker called with the news.

The current chapter of our journey is nearly at end!

Week 42 and 43 Our first family Christmas and Charlie's 5th birthday

Well, what I can say - the last two weeks have been a whirlwind of excitement, presents and joyous family times!

The boys have had a truly wonderful Christmas. Excitement was palpable on Christmas eve. We took the boys to the nativity service at Church in the afternoon, Joe dressed as a shepherd and Charlie as a donkey. They went up the altar at the appropriate time and Joe was picked to put the shepherds in the crib. My mum would have been proud! G and I had some friends round for dinner in the evening, and I disappeared to collect them whilst G did bath time. When we got back I thought the boys were going to explode they were so excited! We put out a mince pie, carrot and glass of sherry and hung up the new stockings that G had hand made for them, and I didn't expect much in the way of sleep. However they were asleep within 10 minutes of us saying good night, and on Christmas morning it was G and I awake, waiting with excitement for the boys to wake up! We are so lucky with their 12 hour sleep pattern!

Christmas morning was just the four of us at home. The boys are at a great age, still believers but old enough to take it all in, and of course they have no reference point for our family Christmas, so everything was a surprise to them. They opened their stockings with joy and then helped to open ours. They thought that was it in terms of presents and they were so pleased. So when they came downstairs and saw the pile under the tree they were beside themselves - however even with all that, Joe walked past his present pile to go to find the gifts he had bought for me from the PTA sale at school!

We set up the new Scalextric that Santa had bought me Joe and had time to play with their toys before we headed off to Nanny's where the boys experienced a family Christmas with 16 people. The presents filled the lounge and the boys were blown away.

We spent two nights at Nanny's house before heading back home, car laden with new toys, the day after boxing day.

Our time in-between Christmas and New Year was fairly quiet, and I absolutely loved it. The boys were chilled and we had lots of laid back family time. Plenty of time watching Christmas films and playing with new toys and games. The boys behaviour was fantastic and they made our Christmas so much fun. I love school holidays. Term time, a lot of parenting seems like a job - you get up with them, feed them, wash them, dress them, make their bed, take them to school, pick them up, entertain them, feed them, bath them, read to them and put them to bed. School holidays it's much more fun, we don't have to get dressed until midday, we can watch films, be more flexible on bed times and be in no rush to get out of the house - which makes us much more laid back too.

On the 30th December, we went for lunch with a family from Charlie's class. We met Claire and Jon on a night out for reception class parents, and they told us that their little girl was also adopted. They have good friends also with an adopted little girl, in the other reception class in Charlie's school. So we were sat there with three sets of parents, and six adopted children. We felt like we had known them for ages! We had a great time, shared stories and experiences in a way that only parents that have been through the adoption process can. The children all played together brilliantly too, and I am so happy to know that the boys are going to grow up knowing lots of other adopted children, it really should help them make sense of it all as they get older.

On New Years eve we travelled to my brother's house where the whole of my side of the family gathered to recreate Christmas day. The boys had another day of great excitement, and even more new toys! Again the kids played well with their cousins and it was great to feel that we are creating family memories.

On Wednesday night Charlie was poorly and spent most of the night throwing up. We got about 2.5 hours sleep - we adopted older children and I don't feel prepared for going to work after a sleepless night!

And that brings us up to this weekend, Charlie's 5th birthday. We spent Friday evening wrapping presents and getting everything ready for his party, and we filled his room with balloons, much to his amazement when he woke up on Saturday morning.  He came in and opened his presents in our room, Joe was as excited as he was and it was a struggle to hold Joe back from opening everything! Just when he thought he had opened everything, we bought him downstairs where he discovered his main present, a shiny new bike!

After breakfast, Aunty Sheri, Daisy and Harper arrived and the kids went off to play whilst Sheri helped me make the final sandwiches for the party, before loading the car and heading off to the church hall.

We had an hour to get everything ready before the guests started to arrive. The boys were hyper and did several time outs before it started, but once everything got going, they had a ball. We had an entertainer who did an amazing job, meaning that all we had to do was the food. We also laid on cheese and wine for the parents, which was really well received, and the whole event was really sociable. Charlie was of course, star of the show and he thrived under the spotlight!

In the final few minutes of the party, both boys got really clingy, they were exhausted. It's nice to know that even though they are quick to hold anyone's hand, when they are needy, it's us they seek out, and that's a fabulous indicator of their attachment. Charlie loved the party, but in true Charlie style, he was at his happiest when he could get a bin bag and start clearing up.

We had a pile of 30 presents to bring home, it was overwhelming so we are drip feeding them over the next couple of days.

Today we went out on his new bike for the first time and had an extra birthday cake just the four of us.

A really magical couple of weeks, for us as well as the boys, we just get closer and closer. Tomorrow the adoption case goes back to court to see if birth mother will be given the right to appeal. All advice suggests it will be dismissed outright, but it will be a relief to know one way or the other.