I have taken the following extract from the
blog:
It's unusual to hear about attachment disorder from 'the other side'
I am 29 years old and I was diagnosed with
attachment disorder at 10 months of age. My birth mother was a drug addict who
eventually committed suicide shorty after I met her in my teens. I had a
biological brother whom was murdered at the age of 19 three minutes from my
school. My parents broke my bones, burned me with cigarets and damaged my
pancreas to the point I ended up with type 1 diabetes- a life long condition-
but nothing compared to the emotional abandonment. As an infant I could not
attach to anyone or anything- I would stiffen up if held never knowing if touch
meant comfort or harm. As a child I engaged in self harming behaviours and had
suicidal thoughts as young as 5 years of age. I spent time in many foster
homes, I cried alone at night wishing my mother would come back for me- no
matter how old I grew no one could ever convince me to stop searching for her-
and finding her was my first step to realizing she was not the fantasy mother I
had built up in my dreams. At 14 I became addicted to prescription pills. It
stopped the pain just for a bit. It was a prescription given to me by a
psychiatrist to help me sleep- at that time I was also diagnosed with traits of
Borderline Personality Disorder. I believe the BPD was developed due to the
underlying attachment difficulties- my style of attachment was ambivalent which
is common in very abused children. I stole food and his it in my room in case
one day my needs were not met- I hoarded my medications like insulin in case
one day no one cared enough to help me get it. I believed in no one- I went
through 16 therapists- then I became pregnant at 24 with a daughter- her birth,
her growth it triggered a lot of my self esteem issues and I believed I was not
a good enough mother- in fact I was more loving, attentive and in tune with
this child then most people ever get to experience. Due to my mental health the
children's aid was called and due to the fact that I had a 24 year history with
them my child was taken and I did not fight but instead signed her over for
adoption to my then adopted sisters who is 14 years my senior-I believed a good
looking husband, money, a big house and a brother would be all my daughter
needed- until at 5 she was also diagnosed with attachment disorder-although she
had never suffered any abuse- losing me as her mother emotionally wounded her
on ways my "family" did not understand. They blamed me for her issues
and I was removed from knowing anything about her. 5 years later I fell in love
with a man and we conceived a son- he was apprehended at birth due to my mental
health issues. This time I fought-
It took me a 17th try at a therapist and a lot of hard work but I eventually started to implicate the skills of a therapy known as DBT or dialectical behavioural therapy. It is difficult to receive and waiting times in my area were approximately 5 years. This therapy provided me with a person to page 24/7, a weekly 2 hour skills group and individual therapy. During my treatment my sons father whom I was engaged to left me 18 weeks pregnant due to believing I was drinking or using drugs during my pregnancy. I was left feeling abandoned and afraid- but I did have my therapist who kept drilling the dbt skills into my head- validating my feelings proved to be more Important then anyone could ever realize.
As I write this I am finished my treatment- I am also finished with the Children's Aid Society after beating them in court. I am also with my sons father- and I am still in very close contact with the person who helped me the most on my journey- my therapist-
As both a person who has suffered with the pain of the disorder and a parent of a child who has it I would like to acknowledge the many parents out there struggling to find services for their families- you are not alone- there are things you can do in the mean time. Firstly remember you need to take care of yourself- if you are not healthy, your child cannot be helped as well. Take time to do self care and replenish. Secondly always question how important is it? If your child is stealing food and this is a bother to you remember to question why your child may be exhibiting this behaviour- perhaps your child still believes his or her needs will never be fully met. Imagine the pain of living a life thinking this. It is not a matter of logic- it is a matter of what this child has experienced- neglect, trauma and abuse can lead anyone to a painful existence. Most importantly my message to you is that it can get better- that 6 year old child having a tantrum on your floor may very well become an empathetic adult who helps other that suffer. Teach your kids empathy by showing it- empathy isn't an excuse for bad behaviour and surely teaching a child that actions have consequences is a great idea but remember that good behaviours also cause an affect and that is when you need to validate the most- I wish each of you struggling an amazing start to a new year and hopefully peace of mind knowing things can get better-
